How To Have Difficult Conversations With Aging Parents
6.22.2026
How do you tell an aging parent that they cannot drive anymore? Or that it may be time to move into a nursing home?
Changing life circumstances can make conversations with older family members difficult. A recent seminar from the New York State Bar Association focused on productive, considerate, and sensitive ways to approach these conversations.
The program was led by Emma Soy, nurse and founder and CEO of Gentle Shepherd Care, an eldercare and home care agency based in Charlotte, North Carolina.
“Why is this so hard?” Soy said. “These conversations are not easy because you are actually looking at their identity. There’s an identity shift. For example, when you are asking your mom if she can still drive, she doesn’t hear that safety [concern.] You are asking her, who is she today? Who is she becoming? And that’s what she’s hearing from you.”
Soy said that it is important to approach these conversations in a relaxed environment – and to be collaborative rather than commanding.
“Number one is to acknowledge the feelings,” Soy said. “That you know this is uncomfortable. You tell them it’s uncomfortable for you, it’s uncomfortable for them.”
Reframe concern for an elderly parent’s well-being as care and curiosity. For example, when bringing up issues around memory and cognitive changes, say “I’ve noticed some things, and I want to help,” and offer to accompany them to a doctor appointment.
Soy said that throughout this process, it is important to offer choices. For example, when it comes to conversations around housing, visit options for possible housing together – like assisted living facilities.
“What’s available for people as they age?” said Soy. “Let’s look at what other people are doing. What would have to be true for a change to feel like a good one? Not a sad one, a good one. What would this change be? Something that would make you happy. Let’s talk about it now. Not when they need it, now let’s talk about it.”
Soy said other questions are: What do they need for home to feel like a home? What is getting harder to do in their own home? What would happen if they had a medical issue and could not go upstairs?
“What is it that they value?” said Soy. “Do they value their independence? Acknowledge that. Let them know that you acknowledge that they want to keep their independence. Everybody wants to keep their independence. And so, we flag that to them. We flag their family; we flag their legacy. Not what you are worried about, but what is important to them.”
Soy said it is crucial to discuss issues with siblings beforehand to have a united front. It also helps to delegate tasks and roles among family members and caretakers.
“I’m not saying this is going to be easy, but I’m just saying that these hard conversations, this is how you get around them,” said Soy. “This is how you get around them in order for you to be able to get to where you need to go.”
The seminar was sponsored by the Lawyer Assistance and Attorney Well-Being Programs. It is part of a series dealing with caring for aging loved ones. The next program in the series, “Helping the Helpers: Balancing Work and Caregiving Without Burning Out,” will be held on Wednesday, July 22 from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m.
